


Get Me Through the Night

by xxenjoy



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, First Kiss, First Time, Love Confessions, M/M, Nightmares, Top!Cas, alternate S9, bed sharing, bottom!Dean, canon compliant up to 9x01, canon!verse, casefic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-10
Updated: 2019-06-10
Packaged: 2020-04-23 21:39:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19159510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxenjoy/pseuds/xxenjoy





	Get Me Through the Night

Nothing ever goes smoothly for the Winchesters, but when slamming the gates of hell nearly kills Sam, Dean's not expecting things to get worse from there. Dean's desperate, hopeless, and when Cas doesn't answer his prayers, he doesn't know what he's going to do; he can't lose both of them at once because he doesn't know how he'd go on. 

He finds a solution for Sam within days, but even when Sam's up and running again, he's getting nothing from Cas but radio silence. 

Dean spends three weeks driving around the midwest looking and even when Sam tries to tell him, in the gentlest way possible, that maybe Cas isn't coming back this time, he doesn't give up. He can't give up. He puts all of his effort into finding Cas and then, after a month, he catches a break. 

They find Cas a few hours out of Lebanon, huddled up in a bus shelter at a sketchy looking gas station; it's pouring rain and Dean nearly misses him the first time around. He doesn't even turn the car off before jumping out and racing over to him, bundling him up in his arms and he's glad it's raining because he can't stop the tears of relief that stream down his face. 

Cas is good - mostly. He's a little battered, a little bruised, but he's still in one piece; one thing Dean hadn't been expecting though, was to find him utterly, devastatingly _human_. 

It's not an easy transition for anyone, having all of them back together in the bunker. Sam is still recovering so most of the time he keeps to himself in his room, and Dean's trying his damnedest to make this new life as comfortable as he can for Cas though no matter what he does, he seems to fail miserably at it and nighttime is the worst of all. Cas has been human for four months, 2 weeks and six days - not that Dean's counting - the majority of which he has spent at the bunker, and by Dean's count he's only managed to get seventy-two hours of sleep in that whole time. 

At first, it was just the unfamiliarity that kept him from sleep; Cas would literally wear himself down to the point of exhaustion and Dean would find him dozing in various places, but once he was awake again, he couldn't get back to sleep, or he wouldn't. Dean did anything he could from buying Cas sleep aids to making him tea, anything to help him actually get a decent nights' sleep. For a little while, it helped, and they discovered the best way for Cas to fall asleep listening to Dean's music, just lying in the dark until he drifted off. If that had been the worst of it, they would be okay now, but once he started figuring out how to get to sleep, Cas never stayed asleep for long. 

On a good day, Dean would wake up to find Cas glued to the TV in his bedroom, dark circles under his eyes and his hair sticking out in every direction, refusing to sleep. On a bad day, Cas would wake them both up, screaming in the middle of the night. 

The nightmares are bad enough - Dean's dealt with them long enough to know how much it sucks - but Cas feels guilty on top of all of it - for waking Sam and Dean up, for being a burden and sometimes he struggles more with the guilt than he does the lack of sleep. After a particularly bad night in which he woke up three separate times, Cas refuses to go to bed anymore at all. 

He'll exhaust himself until he starts drifting off again, and when Sam or Dean finds him, he'll go and make himself coffee and curl up in front of the TV, insisting that he doesn't need sleep and that it's better for all of them if he doesn't even try. 

Dean's not buying it. 

He does everything short of drugging him to try and get him to sleep, but so far the only thing that's worked is when he had a shitty night and the pair of them downed half a bottle of whiskey before bed. Sam had been furious when he found out and normally Dean wouldn't blame him, what with Cas being a brand new human and all, but it was the first time he'd seen Cas relaxed - maybe even happy - since they'd brought him home. Sam's right though; Dean doesn't need to be passing on any bad habits that Cas hasn't already picked up, so he doesn't try that method again, as much as he misses seeing a smile on Cas' face. 

It's been a couple of weeks since the whiskey night and Sam's taken to hunting on his own any time he can because it means he can actually can an uninterrupted nights' sleep for once. Dean would go with him, but he's become something of Cas' caretaker and the thought of leaving him alone in the bunker sits uncomfortably in his stomach. 

Tonight Sam's on his way up to Sioux Falls. Dean's been mulling an idea over in his head for the past couple of days, but he needs Sam out of the way to put it into action and tonight is looking like the perfect opportunity. Only now that he's got the chance, he's nervous about it because if everything goes as planned, Cas will be a whole lot happier and more comfortable, but Dean's gonna have a lot of explaining to do when Sam gets home. For the time being, he keeps his plan to himself and he makes dinner for him and Cas, giving him a chance to think through everything that could potentially go wrong and come up with an alternative. 

After dinner, the two of them watch movies alone in the Deans' room, but the second Dean starts yawning, Cas excuses himself and Dean is too much of a coward to ask him to stay. _Tomorrow_ , he tells himself; Sam should be gone for a few days, he can put his plan into action tomorrow. As he settles into bed, alone, Dean tries not to feel too guilty for failing Cas tonight.

\- - -

It's three am when Cas wakes up. Dean knows this because it nearly gives him a heart attack when Cas' screams ring through the empty corridors. He hauls himself up out of bed and stumbles down the hall toward Cas' room, pushing the door open without thinking about it and crossing immediately to sit on the end of his bed. Cas looks like hell warmed over - hair everywhere, sweat rolling down his temple - and Dean wants to bundle him up and keep him away from everything that could hurt him. The bags under his eyes are pretty much par for the course these days but he just looks so defeated and Dean would do anything if it meant Cas never looked like this again.

For now, he settles for shuffling a little further up the bed and resting his hand on Cas' knee where it sticks out from under the blankets. Cas glances up at him, giving him the most hopeless look before staring back down at his lap. He's never said what he dreams about, but Dean is tempted to ask so that he can do something about it. 

"Hey, man, don't feel bad," he says, "we've all been there."

Cas' lips pull at in a half-smile but the gesture isn't genuine and Dean's heart sinks. "Thank you, Dean, I appreciate that. Even if it is a lie."

"'S not a lie, Cas. C'mon, shove over." His heart is beating too fast and his palms are sweaty, but he pushes through because he has to do something to keep Cas from being so miserable, and right now this is all he's got. Cas just looks at him in confusion and Dean nudges his arm until he moves to the other side of the bed, leaving space for Dean to lie next to him. This isn't exactly how he was hoping this would go, but now is as good a time as any - better, maybe - and he just moves before he can overthink it. 

"What are you doing?" Cas asks

"Helping, I hope."

Cas seems to accept that. At any rate, he doesn't push Dean away and he lies back down, tugging the covers back up over himself. As Dean settles down next to him, Cas' eyes don't leave his once and it's doing nothing to help his nerves. He doesn't cover himself up but that's too much like what _he_ wants; this is for Cas and right now Cas doesn't need all of Dean's emotional bullshit piled on top of his own problems. 

After a few minutes of intense staring, Cas adjusts to the second body in his bed and as he shuts his eyes, Dean is the one who's on edge and wide awake. Cas falls back asleep surprisingly well and Dean's glad for it, despite not being able to sleep himself. It's not until Cas is snoring shortly, his head tucked against his chest, that Dean works up the courage to slip a little closer. He throws an arm over Cas' hip, reminding himself that this is for Cas, even as his fingers brush under the hem of Cas' shirt. 

Eight hours later, he wakes up in the same position a couple of inches closer and Cas is still snoring away under his arm. _Thank Christ_ , he thinks and a small smile creeps over his face. It's about time the poor guy got a half-decent sleep.

\- - -

It was only supposed to happen once, but the fact of the matter is that Cas just sleeps better with Dean there; instead of waking up every hour, he sleeps through the night and Dean's not going to take that away from him. He stuffs down his own issues and sneaks out of his room every night to curl up next to Cas. Other nights he'll pretend like he's checking on him and then he just won't leave, or Dean will text him when he's tucked into his own bed and Cas will join him instead. If he's honest, he's like the latter more because Cas doesn't share any of his hangups sand he'll cuddle up under the covers without a second thought, pressing himself right up against Dean like he's relying on his body heat to keep him warm. Those nights are the best, tucked away in the safety of his own bedroom where no one can know but them.

Things get progressively better. Cas is sleeping again so he's rested enough to get back out in the field and he comes along more often than not - even if they don't need the extra manpower. He likes to be included and Dean likes to have him nearby where he can check on him, so it's a win-win. 

The downside is lying to Sam about it, though Dean justifies it by assuring himself it's more like stretching the truth than flat-out lying to him. Cas, to his credit, goes along with every damn word he says, and thankfully Sam is happy enough that everything is going back to normal, that he doesn't question it. He's willing to take them at their word and really, why wouldn't he?

It's not like Dean is hiding anything. Sure, things have kind of flipped around and now that Cas is sleeping like a damn baby, _Dean's_ the one lying awake all night. It's fine though; he'll take it if it means Cas gets to sleep because he's used to the lack of sleep, but it still kind of sucks. Dean starts drinking in the evenings to counteract his inability to shut off when he's lying next to Cas. He won't corrupt Cas, but he'll drink himself to sleep any night of the week, especially if he keeps him from thinking about Cas when they're supposed to be asleep. 

Cas doesn't like it and he doesn't keep quiet about it, but Dean's only other option is to tell Cas how he feels or to stop sleeping with Cas, which would require explaining _why_ he can't sleep with him and then he's right back to point one. If he were to tell Cas how he feels, he's going to think this is all just a ploy to get close to him and he'll be pissed; worst case scenario: he leaves and Dean definitely can't have that on his shoulders. It's fine. Dean's been living with this shit for years now; repressed feeling and a lack of sleep aren't going to stop him, especially not if Sam and Cas are doing well finally. So he drinks himself to sleep despite Cas' grumbling and he curls up on his side, facing out and away from Cas. 

On the nights that Cas gets his way and Dean doesn't drink anything other than tea, Cas curls around him, slipping his hand up Dean's chest. He'll press his nose into Dean's ear and Dean will - occasionally - drift off with Cas' breath against his neck. These nights are even better than the ones they spend in Dean's room because even if he goes to Cas' room, Cas will pull him in and force him to be comfortable, whether or not Dean would normally. He'll never admit out loud to being spooned by an ex-angel of the lord, but some days it's the best part of his day. 

A couple of weeks in, Sam starts to notice something's up. He asks about it a couple of times and Dean manages to side-step for a good few days before Sam corners him in the kitchen one morning while Cas is still asleep. 

Dean's exhausted; last night had been a bad one for both of them. He had only been asleep for maybe ten minutes when Cas woke up just after two shaking and sweaty and Dean had stayed up with him for hours afterward, watching nature documentaries to try and get Cas to calm down. Now he's running on maybe an hour of sleep and he hasn't had his coffee yet, so he's not prepared for Sam's interrogation. 

"Look, I know you said you two figured things out and I'm not questioning it, but it's been weeks, Dean and last night-" he pauses, shrugging and Dean just scowls at him.

"Spit it out."

"I heard him wake up last night and I went to check on him, but he wasn't in his room."

_Shit_. "Yeah no, I know, he's just-" Dean shuts his eyes because he can't deal with this right now. "He's been sleeping in my room a lot. He sleeps better when he's not alone."

"Okay," Sam says, but Dean can hear the unspoken words; _are you sure that's a good idea?_ He knows Sam wants to say more, but he's not about to have that conversation because recently Sam's been nagging at him about his feelings and the way he and Cas are together and it's hard enough to deal with without someone else getting involved. Dean stalks out of the kitchen without his breakfast or his coffee and slumps into one of the armchairs in the library. 

He thinks a lot about what Sam said, about the implications of it and he hates it because he knows Sam is right. One day Cas will move on and fall in love and it's going to be hard enough without the memory of him pressed up tight against his back. Dean frowns to himself and puts down the book he's been struggling to read. It's only noon, and he's switching out his coffee for whiskey already, but what else is he going to do? 

No one is supposed to know how he feels for Cas - not at least until he figures out how to tell Cas. _If_ he figures out how to tell Cas. Cas was an actual angel of the Lord and Dean is just a dude who kills things - that combination doesn't add up to a life of happiness. If he was stronger, he'd tell Cas to get out there and find someone to love and live a normal life, but he's weak and he likes having Cas around so he keeps him here and they both continue to suffer. 

The guilt eats at him until eventually, taking his bottle and leaving the glass, he locks himself away in his bedroom. Sam can't throw the truth at him here and Cas won't see him and get upset that he's drinking again, and Dean can be alone with his thoughts. 

He'll never be good enough; that's the thought that occupies his mind as he slumps against his headboard, staring blankly out into his room. All he can do is take care of Cas in the meantime and take advantage of the few moments of peace they get at night when no one else is around. He's not hurting anyone but himself, so why not? _Guilt_ , naturally. 

It's midnight before Dean realizes Cas hasn't come to bed and it only makes him feel worse because he knows it's his fault. If he hadn't started drinking at breakfast, he could be curled in up Cas' arms right now. The thought is too much to bear and he decides he needs to apologize. Maybe he'll tell Cas the truth and cut out all the in-between time where neither of them really know what's going on. Dean sheds his flannel as he gets up and heads for the door. He doesn't know what he's going to say, but he's exhausted and he just wants to be with Cas. 

He's too drunk to realize what a terrible idea it is, and before he can reconsider, Dean's up and out of bed and stumbling down the hall toward Cas' bedroom. Somewhere along the way, he loses his flannel and by the time he gets to Cas' room he's completely shirtless. He pushes the door open and stumbles into Cas' room, finding his way to the end of the bed. 

Cas is lying in bed with a book in his hands and when he notices Dean, his eyes flick up over the pages, watching as Dean climbs up onto the bed with him. He holds his gaze but doesn't put his book down and Dean isn't sober enough to take that as a bad sign. He pulls the book out of Cas' hands, setting it on his side table and climbs up the bed to straddle his hips. 

This is unprecedented between them; the most intimate thing they've ever done is when Dean woke up with Cas' hand barely inches from his hard cock. That had been an accident that Cas wasn't even awake for - this time Dean knows exactly what he's doing. Mostly. 

Cas looks up at him in confusion and Dean presses a palm against his chest, pressing him back against the headboard. 

"What are you doing?" Cas asks. 

"You didn't come to bed."

"No. I didn't. Dean, you're drunk and you reek of whiskey."

"I jus' wanna talk."

"We can talk in the morning," Cas says, "when you're sober." Dean ignores him, shuffling up closer and Cas holds him back. "Not tonight, Dean." 

Dean whines softly, sitting back on Cas' thighs and dropping his head onto Cas' shoulder. "But I need you," he breathes, pressing soft kisses to Cas' shoulder and nuzzling against his neck. 

" _Dean_." Dean draws back, looking at Cas and without warning, dips down and presses his lips to Cas'. For a split second, he thinks Cas is going to kiss him back and his heart races before he gets shoved sharply backwards. "Get off of me."

Dean's not sober enough to realize just how breathless Cas sounds and he just stares blankly at him, waiting for something to happen. When he meets Cas' gaze he's met with complete confusion and the gravity of what he's done hits him all at once like a punch to the gut. 

Dean tries to get up and off the bed and he stumbles, fumbling to his feet before bolting out of the room. He hears Cas calling after him, but he doesn't follow and Dean's too ashamed to turn back now. He's such a fucking idiot. He knows, he knew beforehand that Cas wouldn't feel the same, but one drink too many and Dean can't control himself. He makes his way miserably back to his own room, shutting the door quietly behind him so no one can hear him and he drinks the rest of the whiskey before burying his head in his pillow. 

They don't talk about it. 

Cas goes back to sleeping in his own room and all the progress they've made with his humanity and his nightmares disintegrates. It's worse this time because the actual quantity of sleep that Cas gets is questionable at best and the guilt is eating Dean alive, so he's barely eating and most nights he sleeps less than Cas does. 

They get by as well as they can and Sam is either staying out of it or he's so fed up that he's given up because he doesn't say anything about it, but there's no denying that the hunts are getting worse. Sam's trying to keep everything together; to find them jobs, organize the three of them and keep an eye on his partners because both of them are barely there on a good day. Dean's used to working on very little sleep, but it's a hell of a lot different than no sleep at all and the close calls just keep getting closer until everything comes to a head one muggy night in June. 

It's a vamp nest just outside Lebanon and Sam was opposed to them coming right from the get-go, but arguing with a seasoned hunter and an ex-rebellious angel isn't an easy task at the best of times. They've got no clue how many vamps they're up against, and Sam's an idiot if he thinks he's going in alone. 

They make it in fine and do an initial sweep and count to see what they're up against. It's not going badly; on the contrary, Dean and Cas make it through in no time and Dean, for one, channels all of his guilt and pain and self-hatred into the swing of his machete - pushing and pushing and not looking back. 

It's not until they're back near the front of the house that things go south. There's never 100% certainty in anything they do - after a decade it becomes obvious - but of all things, it's their own inability to count that proves to be their downfall tonight. they almost get out, _almost_. 

Dean is three feet from the car when a force slams into him, pushing him brutally against the side of the house and pinning him with his neck bared and his feet off the ground. He can't see his assailant, but he knows instantly that they miscounted; he doesn't know where this one lingering vampire was hiding out, but it's taking one last chance to avenge the rest of its nest. He hears Cas rather than sees him, barreling toward them and he hears Sam cursing in the background. 

Instantly, the weight against Dean's chest and neck is gone and he sinks to the ground, legs shaking under him. When he looks up, Cas has the vamp pinned and he's fucking terrifying, an echo of the angel he used to be with his machete pressed against the thing's neck and his teeth bared. Cas makes no attempt to push his blade forward and end the damn thing's life, and Sam is shouting about it in the background, telling Cas to hurry up and kill it. There's a growled _look at me_ and then Sam's hauling Cas to his feet and the crumpled, headless body of the vamp sinks to the ground.

Time stands still, figuratively speaking; in reality, everything is dark and blurry and spinning wildly and then Sam's hauling him to his feet, talking hurriedly in his ear as he maneuvers him into the backseat. That's his first sign that something's wrong. 

The second is when Cas pulls him into his lap, running his fingers through his hair. He's whispering something but it's so faint Dean can't catch it; it scares him that he doesn't understand because he's not _that_ tired and Cas sounds like he's so far away. Dean can't do anything to help his situation, so he grabs at Cas' shirt, curling his fingers into the soft, wet cotton. The last thing he remembers is wondering why Cas' shirt is wet and seeing the unmistakable fear in Cas' eyes for everything goes black.

\- - -

When he comes to, Dean's in the infirmary and when he tries to push himself up there's a clattering sound and Cas is immediately at his side, holding him back and gently pressing him back against the bed.

"Don't get up."

"What's going on?"

Cas sighs and shuts his eyes. For a second, Dean regrets asking, but when Cas speaks it's obvious that he's upset, not annoyed. "You hit your head when that vamp threw you against the house. You lost a lot of blood. I healed your wounds, but I couldn't do anything about the blood loss so you've been... out... for a little while."

"A little while?" Dean asks, confused, "what does that mean? How long have I been out?"

"Long enough," Cas says stiffly and the expression on his face tells Dean this isn't just some scratch. 

"Where's Sam?"

"Getting supplies. I'll let him know you're awake. Do you need anything?"

"Water?" Dean asks and Cas nods before disappearing out of the room. Dean gets it; he hasn't exactly been the greatest person to be around lately - worse than normal when it comes to Cas - and Cas probably doesn't want to be alone with him, especially now that he's awake. 

Dean pushes himself up tentatively; he feels fine physically, but his head is a little fuzzy and he has to steady himself as he gets to his feet. _Head wound_ , he reminds himself, _take it slow_. He gets to his feet without too much trouble but he's still a bit wobbly and he holds onto the bed as he crosses over to look at himself in the mirror. 

Other than the dark circles under his eyes, he doesn't look half bad. Cas did say he healed him, but it's something of a habit after a hunt to assess himself. Everything looks okay and when he's satisfied with his overall appearance, he walks back, dropping onto the bed closest to collect himself. 

He's made such a damn mess of everything and now Cas and Sam have had to take care of him, yet again. He's a damn idiot thinking he can hunt in his condition and at least now with a head injury Sam won't even let him in the car; he's a hazard to himself and he can only be glad that it was him thrown against the house and not Sam or Cas. He'd never be able to forgive himself. They can't do this anymore; he and Cas are in no shape to be hunting - they're putting themselves and Sam in danger, and if things don't improve Dean's not sure Cas will be around much longer. 

_Fuck_ , why does he always do these things? He has to fix this, to talk to Cas and tell him the truth and beg him not to leave because if he was in Cas' shoes, he wouldn't be hanging around. He slams his fist against the side table, knocking a tray of tools clattering to the ground.

" _Fuck_!" he shouts and within seconds, Cas is at his side again, worrying over him.

It takes another three days before either Cas or Sam will let him get up and around on his own and as much as he hates it, it gives him a chance to start making amends with Cas. They don't talk about anything important because Dean doesn't want Cas thinking he's got a concussion and he's only saying all these things because he hit his head a little too hard. 

It's a week before Dean's comfortable with the idea of talking things through, and the whole day all he wants to do is have a fucking drink, but he knows he can't. That night, sober and anxious as all hell, Dean lies in bed sleeplessly, waiting until it's late enough that Sam will be asleep. After midnight, he sneaks out of his room and makes the familiar trip down the hall to Cas' room, only he doesn't quite make it there. 

Halfway between, he runs into Cas and Dean, thinking he's out for a snack or to use the bathroom, ducks his head and sidesteps him. Cas presses a hand to his chest, stopping him and Dean looks up to find him staring at him. 

"Dean," he says softly. "Wait." He sounds exhausted, defeated and Dean can't do anything but look back at him mutely. "Can we go to your room?"

Dean's still at a loss, but he nods lightly, turning back the way he came. Cas follows just a step behind and when he steps into Dean's room, he locks the door behind them. Dean returns to his bed; it's still warm and it's comforting and right now he needs anything he can get to help him through this conversation. Cas sits across from him, pulling his feet up under him on the bed and Dean's heart stops. 

"I'm sorry," Cas starts and it's so far from what Dean's expecting to hear that he asks Cas to repeat himself. "I'm sorry. About that night- you were drunk and I... overreacted. Because I was scared."

"You were sc- what are you talking about?"

"Dean, when you kissed me, I didn't know what to do. You were drunk and you obviously didn't mean it, but I shouldn't have reacted the way I did- I was scared because I thought it would change things so I panicked and told you to go but I- I didn't mean to."

"I'm still-"

"Just," Cas starts, shutting his eyes and inhaling deeply, "let me finish. When that vamp threw you against the wall, when you hit your head- I thought we were going to lose you and I realized that I didn't care about some stupid, drunken mistake because I was about to lose the best friend I've ever had and I'd never been able to tell him the truth."

"What truth?" Dean asks, his voice just barely above a whisper. His heart is pounding and he doesn't know what Cas is going to say, but he doesn't think he's ready for it. 

"That I'm in love with you."

Dean's world stands still and it feels like an eternity before he can breathe again; his mouth is so dry he can't speak. He wanted to apologize, to tell Cas how sorry he is for what happened that night and for putting him and Sam in danger but now he's totally lost. If he doesn't say anything, Cas is going to think he made a mistake telling him, and he can't have that. He can't fuck this up worse than it already is. 

In his head, he prepares a speech - every single thing he wants to say to Cas; to ask him to stay, to tell him he loves him, that he's important and that he'd be lost without him, but all that comes out is _will you stay?_

Cas narrows his eyes. "Yes?" he says slowly. "Why would I leave?"

"Because I fuck everything up? I'm bad for you, Cas. When you're with us, when you're with _me_ , I... I can't focus on anything, not really." He sighs and looks Cas straight in the eyes. "Not since you fell. And one day that's gonna get you hurt and you're not gonna come back from it, and I-" he falters, shutting his eyes and trying not to think about the image he's creating in his head.

"Dean, I can protect myself, you don't have to babysit me. You don't have to worry about me."

"Yeah, I do," he laughs humourlessly, shaking his head. "Cas, I fuckin' love you and all I do is corrupt you and put you in danger. _Christ_ , that night I forgot how to count to nine because I was so worried something was gonna happen to you and-" 

Cas' fingers find his own in the tangle of blankets and Dean forgets how to breathe all over again. Cas twists their fingers together briefly, before sliding his hand up to rest on Dean's shoulder. 

"What are you doing?" Dean breathes. 

"Everyone says you corrupted me," he says, looking thoughtfully at him, "but no one realizes that I'm better for it. Is it really corruption if what comes out is better than before? I don't think so. Do you remember what Hester said to, all those years ago? _When Castiel first laid a hand on you in hell, he was lost_. She wasn't wrong, Dean, just misguided."

"I don't understand."

"You never corrupted me, you _changed_ me - for the better, as far as I'm concerned - and they didn't like that. You made me _feel_ when I wasn't supposed to. I was created to fight Heaven's battles, to protect my father's creations - all of them, mind you - but I was diverted from my purpose, distracted if you will, but you and your brother. By you.

"Dean," he breathes, "I have loved you since that first moment in hell when your soul called out to me, shining through the darkness - only I didn't understand what it meant until much later." He squeezes Dean's arm where he's holding it, and Dean realizes belatedly that it's where Cas' handprint used to be. 

"Why did you heal it?" he asks. 

"I was trying to let you go. We completed our purpose and you had already lost so much, I wanted you to be happy - as happy as you could be without Sam." Cas doesn't meet his eyes and Dean huffs a quiet laugh. 

"I fucked that up, too." Cas tips his chin up, eyes wide in confusion. "Lisa knew," he shrugs, "not explicitly, but I could tell." Dean pauses, rolling his free shoulder to ease out the tension. He feels immensely better having gotten everything off his chest, but he never expected it go over so well, and he's still reeling from Cas' confession. "I would have been happy, y'know. With you."

"We still can be. As long as I'm not too boring now that I'm human."

Dean smiles widely and leans forward so he's barely an inch from Cas' face. "You will never be boring to me."

Cas' lips are soft and plush against his own, but his cheek is scratchy where Dean's fingers brush against it. Dean's tense though because the last time he tries this went terribly and Cas means too much to him to fuck it up twice. He's hesitant, but when Cas' mouth moves against his own, the final little bit of denial breaks and Dean melts as Cas takes the lead. Dean presses in, sliding his arms over Cas' shoulders as he's pulled forward into Cas' lap. He leans backward as Cas' hands push up under his shirt, running softly over his skin. Cas is smiling softly at him and Dean's just waiting to wake up and realize this was all some sort of trauma-induced hallucination, but as far as first/second kisses go, it's the very best. 

"Stay with me tonight?" he asks and Cas kisses him briefly. 

"Of course."

\- - -

Dean wakes up feeling better than he has in _months_. Cas is still asleep next to him, having slept through the night, and Dean curls up under his arm, resting his head on his chest. More than once, he has to remind himself that this isn't just a dream and he doesn't realize he's staring until Cas wakes up and calls him on it.

They head up to breakfast shortly and Sam is already in the kitchen making coffee. Dean comes up behind him, bumping him out of the way as he grabs two mugs from the cupboard. It earns him a raised eyebrow and a skeptical look from Sam, but he ignores him in favour of getting coffee and joining Cas back at the table. He slips into the seat next to him, pushing Cas coffee over to him with a smile and Cas tips over to kiss him quickly while Sam has his back turned. 

Without thinking, Dean pulls him back, kissing him deeply. 

"Hey, do you guys want bacon and eggs, or-" there's a choking sound from the other side of the room and Cas pulls away as both of them turn to look at Sam. "Oh my God, _finally_."

"Uhh-?" Dean asks, faltering. 

"I'm glad you guys finally figured it out, it's not easy keeping something secret for ten years."

"You knew," Dean and Cas say in unison and Sam looks at them with a pained smile. 

"Uh, yeah. I'm the one who's with you every day, I'm not stupid."

"Oh."

Sam just huffs a laugh. "Look, I just wanted you two to figure it out for yourselves. I didn't think it would take so long considering every person we've ever met calls Cas your boyfriend," he levels Dean with a questioning look and Dean just shrugs. "Anyway, I'm making bacon and eggs, do you want some?"

With everything going on, Dean had never even considered how he was going to bring all of this up to Sam, but that went remarkably well. After breakfast, he pulls Dean aside and hugs him and tells him he's happy for him, and despite being just a tiny bit embarrassed by the whole thing, Dean loves him all the more for it. 

The three of them spend the day in the bunker; there are still a couple of rooms down on the bottom floor that needs to be organized and cataloged, so Dean and Cas head down there and Sam comes along to chaperone and make sure the work actually gets done. With Sam around, arguably less work gets done, but they have a good time doing it, and by the time they're finished with the first room, Dean's ready for bed. 

They say their goodnights in the hall and Sam thinks he's sneaky, but Dean catches the big dumb grin on his face as Dean and Cas head off in the same direction. Dean can hardly blame him, either, because his own heart still feels like it's going to burst out of his chest and he's had nearly twenty-four hours to process already. Cas' fingers slip between his as they walk right past Dean's room, and Cas pushes his own door open, pulling Dean in after him. 

Cas kisses him as soon as the door is shut, easily getting Dean out of his clothes as they cross slowly to the bed. Cas drops onto the bed, pulling Dean down after him and after some struggling to get the blankets out from under them, he slips over to his own side of the bed, curling himself around Dean. It's warm and comforting and Dean would never admit it out loud, but it's everything he's been missing in his life and with Cas next to him and Sam just down the hall, happy as a damn clam, everything they're facing with the angels and heaven and hell seems a lot more bearable. Dean shuts his eyes, arching back against Cas and for the first time in a long time, he falls asleep with a smile on his face.

Three hours later, he's awoken by a sudden jolt and heavy breathing. Blearily, he turns over to find Cas sitting upright with his head in his hands and Dean shuffles closer, slipping an arm around his stomach. 

"Hey," he breathes, "it's okay, just a dream."

"I know," Cas whispers, nodding, but the sweat on his forehead and the huff of his breath say otherwise. Dean lies him back gently, pressing up close and resting his hand on Cas' chest. 

"Want to talk about it?"

"No. It was just the same thing, again."

"Naomi?"

He nods and Dean can feel his blood boil. "I wish I'd known. I woulda killed her a long time ago." Cas just shakes his head and turns to face him.

"You couldn't have known." He tips forward, pressing his nose into Dean's neck, breathing softly. They lie in the quiet for a long time, but even when Dean does drift off, Cas doesn't. Dean wakes up again an hour later to Cas reading by the light of his phone. 

"Come back to bed," he mumbles and Cas sighs. 

"I can't sleep." 

Dean shuffles up behind him, kissing the back of his neck and running his hand down Cas' side. He winds an arm around his stomach and presses closer until he's flush against Cas' back. He doesn't know what to do to help, but when Cas' breath comes out a little shakier, he thinks he has an idea. 

"Can I try something?" Dean asks and Cas nods, turning to look up at him. Dean slides his hand over his hip, brushing his fingertips along Cas' stomach and down around the base of his cock. He's surprised to find Cas is already half-hard and it affects him more than he would think. 

"Dean?" Cas asks quickly, and Dean presses his nose into Cas' hair, breathing slowly. 

"Is this okay?" 

"Yes, I just-"

"Let me touch you," he breathes, trailing his fingers up Cas' length. "I want to touch you." Cas swells under his touch and it sends shivers running through him; it was always just a distant fantasy, the thought of touching Cas like this, but in reality, it's so much more than he ever imagined. 

He works him up and Cas groans with every movement, rolling his hips into the touch. This is something Dean is great at and he knows he can get Cas to come hard enough that it'll knock him out almost instantly, he just wishes they could have done this sooner. He feeds off the soft moans and groans that spill from Cas' lips and if he sounds this good with just Dean's hand on him, he can't imagine what he'd sound like if he got his mouth on him. Dean bites his lip to hold back a moan and he quickly switches his train of thought; if he's not careful he's gonna get himself too worked up and _he'll_ be the one lying awake all night. Again.

He focuses on Cas instead, pulling his fingers up to play with the head of his cock, rubbing just under the head until Cas is squirming against him, one arm hooked back over Dean's side. He's hot against Dean's chest and when he rolls his head back, Cas' eyes are dark and hooded and he's so damn beautiful Dean forgets how to breathe for a minute. 

_This is for Cas_ , he reminds himself. There will be other times when Dean can kiss and suck his way into being pounded into the mattress; he wants to try and take things slow with Cas after the constant fighting the last few months - this is strictly for him tonight, to help him sleep without getting him shitfaced. He shifts his hips away, pressing his growing erection into the mattress in the hopes that it will just go away, and he kisses Cas' back, right up to his neck. 

Cas fucks into his hand, slow and steady like he's not quite sure if he's allowed to, and Dean wants to tell him that he's there for Cas to take whatever he wants, that nothing is too much as long as Cas is enjoying himself. He doesn't because he knows it'll just land him in trouble and he'll get another lecture about how he's here for more than just to please everyone else. Dean's not so sure, especially because pleasing people is one of the things he's best at - especially in this context - but he doesn't want the argument tonight, so he keeps quiet and tugs a little quicker on Cas' dick. 

Cas rolls back onto him, turning his head to kiss him and Dean lets himself be drawn in, shifting to better fit himself against Cas. He slows his hand, stroking slowly, letting his fingers dance at the head of Cas' cock before slipping down again and judging but the way Cas groans against his lips, he likes it. There are so many things Dean wants to do to him, so many things he could do to break Cas apart at the seams, but before he can even consider it, Cas is sliding a hand around the back of Dean's neck, working his fingers into his hair. 

"You're hard," he breathes, punctuating the words with a slow backward roll of his hips. Dean whimpers as Cas grinds against his cock and he doesn't have time to try and deny it before Cas' hand is snaking back, sliding under his waistband and around the head of his cock. 

Dean's delirious with the rush of sensation and it takes all of his effort not to thrust up into Cas hand and feel him properly. "Can't," he mumbles and Cas looks back at him, frowning. 

"Why not?" he asks.

"'S for you," Dean mumbles, but even as the words drop from his lips, Cas' fingers slip against him and he jerks up into the touch. "I don't wanna rush this."

Cas face breaks into a smile and he looks like he's about to laugh. Not exactly the reaction Dean was expecting. "Rush?" he repeats, incredulous. "Dean, tell me you're not that oblivious." Cas releases his hold on him and pulls away, turning so he can face Dean. "This," he breathes, running his hand up Dean's stomach and over his side, "has been coming for a long time."

"Yeah, I guess. I just don't wanna mess this up, y'know?"

"Dean, do you remember when we first met?" he nods and Cas continues."You stabbed me, and look where we've come since then?" Dean huffs ducking his head and pressing it against Cas' chest, only to have Cas tip his chin up again and kiss him briefly. "If you want to wait, we can wait, but I don't want you doing this for me if it means denying yourself."

Dean grumbles at him, but Cas just huffs again, leaning forward to kiss Dean's neck. "Do you want this?" he asks. 

"Yeah." 

Cas presses his hips forward, pressing his cock against Dean's and Dean doesn't need any more encouragement than that. "Okay," he breathes. "Okay." He lets Cas roll him onto his back, running a hand up his chest as he fits himself between Dean's legs. When Cas kisses him again, Dean lets himself feel it, running his hands up through Cas' hair. He stops holding back and it feels _good_ \- to feel Cas against him, to know he can have this, that Cas wants him just as much as he wants Cas. 

Cas presses his hips down, grinding his cock against Dean's hip and Dean instinctively pulls his legs up, wrapping around Cas' hips and pushing back against him. He pulls him close and he can feel Cas smile against him as he kisses him again. They move together without separating, grinding against each other, and Dean keeps Cas close, kissing him softly even when Cas has him shuddering with arousal. 

Dean manages to get a hand between them, wrapping around Cas' cock and stroking him slowly. Cas' head drops down, pressing his forehead against Dean's and he groans softly, jerking into Dean's hand. This was supposed to be for Cas, but the soft little moans he lets out are doing nothing to dampen Dean's arousal and more than anything, he wants Cas inside him, wants to feel the stuttered jerks of his hips into him and the thought alone is enough to leave him panting without even being touched. 

When Cas reaches down to finger his hole, Dean curls in on himself, pushing back up against the touch. He's so caught up in the feeling of Cas' fingers rubbing and pressing that he doesn't realize Cas has grabbed a bottle of lube until he's pressing his slick fingers inside him and Dean's eyes very nearly roll back in his head. 

" _Yeah_ ," he breathes, "fuck, Cas, _yes_." He pushes back onto Cas' fingers, groaning at the stretch and as he adds a second finger, fucking into him slow and steadily, Dean presses his chin against his chest. Then, all at once, Cas pulls out. He slides his hands up Dean's stomach and sits back, rolling him onto his stomach and tugging his underwear down over his ass. 

Cas leans up over him, pressing his fingers into him again, and he breathes against Dean's neck, nipping at the skin as he fucks into him. God, it feels so damn good, but in this position, all Dean can do is lie there and take whatever Cas gives him, grinding his cock against the mattress to keep himself from losing his mind with need. 

Cas' fingers are thick and long but as good as it feels, it's not enough to give Dean what he needs and he wants Cas' cock. He groans when Cas pulls away, but then Cas is pulling his underwear off and he's fully naked Dean's not quite sure where to look. Cas is stunning, even in his clothes and Dean's been waiting years to get a good look at everything under that coat, but right now he's hard and horny and all he can focus on is Cas' cock and how he'll stretch him open and make him come. He rises up, but Cas just presses him back against the bed, climbing back onto the mattress and pressing his cock against Dean's ass. 

"Can I-?" he asks, but he doesn't even get the whole question out before Dean is grunting _yes!_ and pushing back against him. Cas doesn't waste any time hauling Dean up to his knees and when he presses against him, he smooths his hand down Dean's back, reaching to hold his shoulder.

He adjusts himself before pushing in and Dean holds his breath as Cas slides inside him, filling him up. He's big and he feels so damn good that Dean drops onto his elbows, moaning into the pillow and it's a good thing Sam's asleep already because facing him after this otherwise would be impossible. 

As Cas slides home, Dean shifts his hips and even that small movement feels too good. He pushes back onto him, rolling his hips and Cas' fingers dig into his sides. Cas breathes out slowly, groaning and pushing himself deeper. 

" _Fuck, Dean_." Cas shifts up the bed without letting go of him, sliding as deep as he can and rolling into him. Dean just moans, unable to even think straight with Cas' cock so deep inside him and he buries his face in the pillow, reaching back to grab Cas' hands. He winds their fingers together and Cas pulls Dean's hands up pressing them against his lower back and holding them there as he runs his fingers through Dean's hair. 

" _Yeah, Cas, please_."

Cas leans low over him, still holding Dean's hands in place, and he runs his teeth other the curve of his ear and kisses behind it. He's breathing heavily and Dean's cock ache with the need to be touched, just the sound of Cas' breath enough to drive him crazy. 

When Cas finally draws back, the push back in hits Dean's prostate and he bites his lip, holding back a moan as Cas withdraws again. Dean's cock presses into the blankets with every forward thrust, leaking pre-come into the thin fabric and all he can think is how fucking good it feels, how badly he wants to come like this. Cas' arm wraps around his chest, releasing his hands from his back and for a second Dean thinks he's going to touch him, but he doesn't, pulling Dean up against him instead. Cas' hand slips down his chest, holding Dean flush against him and Dean drops his head back onto Cas' shoulder, turning to kiss him. 

It's a little awkward at the angle, but Cas' mouth is warm and soft against his own and Dean wouldn't trade it for the world. A little discomfort is a small price to pay when you've been waiting for something for years. They only break apart to breathe and Cas pants against his lips, mumbling about how good he feels, how beautiful he is. 

Dean can barely focus on the words as Cas rocks into him because every thrust presses against his prostate and his skin burns with the pleasure of it. He lifts both arms, wrapping them around the back of Cas' neck and arches against him, breathing hard as he rocks himself back onto Cas' cock. He groans as Cas' fingers brush up the length of his cock, and when he rubs his thumb over the head, Dean nearly collapses against him. His hips jerk forward hard and he presses his nose into Cas' neck. 

"You're gonna make me come," he breathes and Cas nods against him. 

"I want to," he purrs, "I want to see you come." 

The whimper that slips from Dean's lips has nothing to do with Cas' hand on his cock, but when Cas squeezes him he's sure he's not going to last long. Cas' hands are soft, but his grip is firm and even just the thought that it's _Cas_ touching him is driving him up to the edge. 

Cas' hips stutter as Dean pushes back onto him and for the first time, Dean realizes how hard he's trying to keep it together. As much as he wants to keep going, he really wants to see Cas come, to watch the way he falls apart with pleasure running through his veins, and more than anything, he wants to be the cause of it. 

Pulling off of him, Dean moves away and turns back to face Cas, walking forward on his knees until he's close enough to press Cas back against the bed. 

"Lie back," he breathes and Cas keeps his eyes on Dean's as he shifts to lie down on his back. Dean climbs over him, pushing Cas' arms back to his sides as he reaches up and he smiles down at him. "I'm gonna make you feel good." He pushes his hands up Cas' chest, dragging his nails back down before slicking up his fingers and wrapping around Cas' cock. Dean straddles his leg, and when Cas arches off the bed it takes all his effort not to rut against him. If he lets this go on for too long, they're both gonna come like this and more than anything, he wants to come on Cas' cock. 

He rises back up onto his knees and moves up to position himself over Cas before sliding back onto his cock. Cas' head rolls back against the bed and he pushes his hands up Dean's thighs, gripping his hips and holding him as Dean sits back on him and rolls his hips. Dean shuts his eyes as he moves, rocking his hips and bouncing in his lap. 

It's easier like this for Dean to see exactly how Cas is feeling and he can tell that he's close. Each moan and gasp goes straight through him and when Dean's seconds from coming himself, he drops forward, propping himself up on Cas' chest with one hand wrapped around the base of his cock to try and slow himself down. 

"Don't stop," Cas huffs, "come for me, let me see you."

Dean nods, shutting his eyes as he mumbles how badly he wants to come and he sits back, jerking his hips as he jacks himself and grinding back onto Cas. He can feel the rush of pleasure as it creeps up on him and he barely manages a huffed _oh god_ before he's coming, dropping back onto Cas' chest as his hand flies over his cock. He's overwhelmed, barely aware of his own body as he spills between them, but he can feel the exact second when Cas comes.

He jerks up hard, pushing one hand into Dean's hair and pulling him down against him, kissing him hard. They're both breathless when he pulls away and Cas is still thrusting weakly into him when Dean collapses into him, pressing his nose into Cas' neck.

"I love you," he breathes, kissing the soft skin under Cas' ear. He doesn't get a response, and when he pushed himself up, Cas' hand slides off, falling back against the bed and Cas just rumbles quietly. Dean pulls off of him, rolling to the side and flopping onto his back. 

He stares up at the ceiling for a moment, trying to make the moment seem more real, but it almost seems like a dream. He and Cas just had sex. And Cas wants him. He and Cas just had sex and it was fucking amazing. When he turns to talk to Cas, he realizes the reason he's so quiet is because he's fast asleep. Dean huffs a soft laugh and lifts Cas' arm, fitting himself against his side and resting his head on his chest. 

They're both messy and the light's still on, but Dean can't bring himself to move in case he wakes Cas up. He curls his arms around him and shuts his eyes. If nothing else, he now knows how to knock Cas out without whiskey and, he suspects, probably keep him asleep for once. He plans to use this new technique for the foreseeable future.


End file.
